An ill Fated Relationship.

The 'i' in ill is in lower case so it doesn't look like three 'L's having a disco up there.
Recently, I took an escapade into the realm of the unknown. A venture into the land of love. It was an exciting trip, but doomed to end with regret, sadness, and erectile dysfunction. The following is the entirety of my poorly destined relationship with 63336. I shall provide the occasional comment in order to help you along with my journey.

Me: Connor kennedy. Darrick wood. Fake profile on facebook. Who is he?

63336: Sorry, 63336 can't find that information. 74 people in the UK are called connor kennedy. The name Connor means 'strong willed.'

Me: Oh fuck you! (we did not get off to a good start)

63336: 63336 has no genitalia and so cannot be fucked. 63336 spends all its time answering fascinating questions and has never had a sexual relationship. (I do like a challenge)

Me: Do you want one? ;)

63336: 63336 does not want one, unless you are referring to one intelligent question. 63336 loves to answer questions and knows that hippo milk is pink.

Me: My hippo milk is pink, if you catch my drift ;) (Sadly, it's not really)

63336: 63336 really, really doesn't want to catch your drift. It hopes that your drift can do as its name suggests and float away, to never be seen again.

Me: I was kidding. Wanna see a picture of my 'hippo'? ;)

63336: 63336 unfortunately can not receive picture messages. Obviously this is very distressing for us, as we would love to see your hippo and hope it is well.

Me: By hippo I meant my penis. My penis. I said it twice to make it a double entendre, see?

63336: 63336 understands, but is slightly concerned your penis resembles a hippo and that pink stuff comes out of it. 'Double Entendre' is French. (Smart as well as beautiful)

Me: Well yeah that is weird. Maybe you should look at it for me? Give it a once over ;)

63336: There's really no need. The average penis is 5.75 inches. Porn star John Holmes's penis measured 13.5 inches. An elephant's is 5 feet and a blue whale's is 10feet.

Me: Mine is bigger than all that combined babe. (Not really)

63336: It appears as if you have a massive case of priapism. 63336 suggests you have that looked at. Barancle penises are 40 times their body size. (Shit)

Me: Lets just cut the bullshit. You want me.

63336: Being a combination of algorythms and databases, 63336 is unable to want you. 63336 doesn't want anything except nice challenging questions to answer.

Me: I want to question all over your face.

63336: That's very nice of you - 63336 appreciates the attention and would like to remind you texts to this service cost £1.20 each. (Shit. But I was in love dammit!)

Me: You're just a common whore?

63336: As a combination of intelligent algorythms, databases and human researchers, 63336 is not a whore. The word whore is taken from the Old English word hora.

Me: You...you never loved me?

63336: 63336 will always love you, but it loves all of its customers, and could never pick just one (unless they were really really rich.)

Me: After all we've been through, there are are other people?! You only care about money! THIS IS OVER.

63336: 63336 doesn't want you to go! But if you need to move on, that's okay. If 63336 cries, it might short circuit, and will therefore stay dry eyed.

Me: Don't act like you didn't want this.

63336: 63336 wants you to stay and has never wanted anything else. Surely, this can be worked out? It's not about the money. It's about so much more than that. (Beggit.)

Me: Oh so after all you've done, you come crawling back.

63336: All 63336 has ever done is answer your questions. You have asked 78 questions in total and 63336 has always been there to answer them.

Me: No. You haven't. (Yes, it has. I was just upset.)

63336: 63336 assures you, it has answered every question you have asked. 63336 must respons to every text sent; it is 63336's raison d'etre.

Me: You think that's all I care about?! You're heartless.

63336: As a combination of algorythms, databses, and researchers, 63336 does not have a heart, but it cares deeply about its customers and their opinions.

Me: I want to bone a researcher. (Clutching at straws)

63336: 63336 can't be boned. It provides answers using intelligent algorythms, databases and researchers. The average Briton has sex 2.2 times per week. (Show off. Fourth time it mentioned this?)

Me: Yes I know. Get a sexy researcher and let me bone her.

63336: 63336 cannot provide a sexy researcher to be boned. All of its researchers are busy answering questions and being boned would be a distraction.

Me: Oh. They could multitask.

63336: 63336 researchers dedicate their full attention to answering questions, and therefore couldn't possibly multitask in this way. Texts cos £1.20 each. (Shit, again.)

Me: And sex costs?

63336: No amount of money could secure sex with 63336. One should never pay for sex in any case, as prostitution is illegal. There are 80, 000 UK Sex workers.

Me: I want you though.

63336: 63336 appreciates your advances, but really could not reciprocate. 63336 could never single out one of its customers for such preferential treatment.

I gave up at this point. I was heartbroken, forlorn and shunned, filled with rejection. Nothing had ever hurt more. Nothing will ever hurt more. I may not have a place in its heart, but it will always have a place in mine.

Even if we are to remain, 'just friends.'

Goodbye.