England Football

I actually watched the match of Algeria Vs. England, and it excited me greatly. What I don't understand is the amount of angry facebook statuses!

Now, I don't pretend to be an expert in football, but apart from one or two mistakes, England did exactly what they wanted to do. I am an expert in reading lips, and so I have decided to place a few transcripts as to what England were saying when they did what they did. Oh and yeah, I don't know their names.

PRE-GAME:

Manager Man: Remember to shoot.
Team: Yeah sure we get that, it's football.
Striker Ogre: Are you sure? Are you sure? I don't want to. I'm not going to.
Manager Man: Whatever floats your boat.
Other Striker: Can I fall over?
Manager Man: No.

START GAME:

Midfield Dude: I think we should focus on passing the ball backwards. Like, all the time.
Midfield Guy: Personally, I think that is one stellar idea. Brilliant.
Midfield Man: I agree.

Striker Ogre: Look, Midfield, I know I said I wasn't going to shoot but I would still like the ball.
Other Striker: Don't give me the ball, it apparently makes my legs wobbly.

Goal Person: I can kick it the furthest. Always pass it to me. That helps. Kicking it far at random intervals, it helps.
Defender: Good point. It is a Goal Person magic power to be able to kick far further than we mere defenders can.
Angry Defender: Snarl!
Other Defender: I wish I was a goal ninja. But my hands, they are weak.

MORE GAME:

Striker Ogre: I don't think my strategy of not shooting is working, help!
Other Striker (from the floor): Shit.
Striker Ogre: Okay, okay I'll shoot. *Shoots.* Fuck, that was like, what, 10 metres away?
Other Striker (Falling over): Shit.

Midfield Dude: Who passed it forwards?
Midfield Man: I did, but I did it slowly.
Midfield Guy: Ah. Maybe slower in future.
Midfield Man: Yes.

Goal Person: Kicking things far is the way to succeed.
Defender: Stop rubbing it in.
Angry Defender: I can kick Algerians. Football is an excuse for my hate crimes.
Other Defender: Whoah.
Goal Person: Just kick them far.

NEARING HALF TIME:

Striker Ogre: I just realised what my face looks like. I don't want to do anything anymore.
Other Striker (From Floor): I'm Black. Why can't I run.
Striker Ogre: I think falling over is the way to go. *Collapses.*

Midfield Guy: Ha. Did you see what I totes just did?
Midfield Man: You totes just passed to the other team!
Midfield Dude: Totes, dude that was spesh.
Midfield Person: No, that was shocking. That was utterly shocking. That is not what we want to do. Not at all. Seriously, this whole match. It's just, what the fuck. Seriously guys, what the fuck. This isn't football. This is completely awful.
Midfield Dude: Dude, they totes just all ran past you.
Midfield Person: Fuck.

HALF TIME TALK:

Manager Man: What the shit. Score. Do that.
Quiet Defender: Yeah...
Angry Defender: No. Hit them.
Striker Ogre: I think all mirrors in the world should go away.
Midfield Guy: I swear I'm not even a midfielder.
Goal Person: You're all kicking it like it's a baby. Kick it like it's a toddler.
Manager Man: Listen to him.

AFTER HALF TIME:

Other Striker (In thoughts): Shit. What colour are we? Are we green or white. I don't recognise anyone. If I look down, people will think I'm silly. Fuck. *Passes to Green*
Striker Ogre: Dude.
Other Striker: *Collapses* Golly.

Midfield Person: Fuck it. This is all fucking awful. Ah, ref, ref, the Algerian hit me!
Referee: Is england mentally stable.
Midfield Person: No, no it is not.

Defender: I'm not even sure where Algeria is.
Goal Person: Spain.
Defender: Okay.
Angry Defender: They're all Ronaldo! Fuck!
Goal Person: ...

NEARING THE END:

Manager Man (Grabbing Player): Score. Fucking score or so Help me God I am going to shoot you right in your fucking face.
Player: Can we not just all pretend to be fouled whenever an Algerian comes near us? Are they Algerian? Or is it like, Algeriaish. Or, Algeriench. Or, Algeramerican.
Manager Man: Oh my fuck.

Striker Ogre: Okay, I'm on the halfway line. Perfect time for a shot.
Other Striker: I managed to masturbate.
Striker Ogre: That is just. That is wrong. You are sick. Thinking about stuff like that makes me ill. I used to do that to myself. *shudders*

Angry Defender: Ha. I totally just roared in that guy's face.
Goal Person: Did not help.
Defender: Shit, we've had some substitutions.

TALL GUY ENTERS STAGE.

Tall Guy: I'm just gonna mosey on over here. Sit on the sidelines. I'm not gonna do much. Just relaxing. Yanoe, a little bit of chillaxing. Some er, B-Ball.
Striker Ogre: We are fucking playing football.
Tall Guy: Oh really, couldn't tell. OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH.
Striker Ogre: Everything about me is just awful. I am the worst.

NEARING NEARER TO THE END:

Midfield Person: What's the time?
Midfield Guy: We got like 3 minutes left.
Midfield Dude: I have a plan.

-30 seconds later-

Midfield Dude: Okay, now all of our strikers are in the box and I'm right on the edge with a perfect chance to kick it in. I'm going to kick it to that green guy. That'll fuck them up. *Does so.*
Midfield Person: That was so close to genius.
Midfield Man: You're right. It wasn't genius.
Midfield Guy: It was Super Genius.

Angry Defender: I totally just flipped that guy off.
Defender: Ohhh!
Goal Person: I kicked the ball far.
Defender: It's not funny anymore.
Angry Defender: It never was. Rape is the one funny thing on this planet.
Quiet Defender: Shit.
Angry Defender: Snarl.

THE END:

Striker Ogre: Well at least we didn't lose.
Tall Guy: Your face.
Striker Ogre: Oh everything's awful. Look at these fans. Booing. They're so shit. We're not shit. It wasn't a great result. It wasn't a great game. But why are they booing us? For being ugly? How disgusting.
Angry Defender: I am going to put knives through all their hearts.
Quiet Defender: Meep.
Midfield Person: Maybe it's because you are all fucking insane. I'm not even sure why I'm here. Fuck, I swear I was subbed off.
Midfield Guy: We're all interchangeable.
Midfield Dude: Except goal person. He has magic hands.
Goal Person: Just view the ball like it's a small and irritating girl. Like it wants to be kicked. Like god wants it to be killed. Just like he likes it when small chinese girls are killed.
Midfield Person: You are all fucked up. What the fuck.
Manager Man: That was shocking. I hate you all. You have cost me my job. Probably. Everyone will blame me and Rob Green even though we did shit all wrong. I like my glasses. They make me look sexy.
Other Striker (On floor): I've forgotten how to get up!
Defender: Well at least the defence did alright.
Goal Person: No. We did not kill the ball enough.
Angry Defender: I like you Goal Person.
Tall Guy: I swear like, 12 of us are discussing like we were on the pitch.
Midfield Person: No, I was subbed off for you.
Manager Man: Go back to the hotel. I assure you I did not plant 15 mafia members there.

-FIN-

So, as you can tell, England are perfectly good at what they do. And what they do is football.